The Impact of Unexpressed Emotions: How Missing ‘I Love You’ Shapes Anxious Attachment

When we think about love, those three little words—’I love you’—often pop up. They’re simple yet powerful, and symbolize deep affection in any meaningful relationship. But is it damaging not to say ‘I love you’ at all? Can it cause anxious attachment in adulthood?

According to Dr. Quimby, a clinical psychologist, expressing these words can bolster our relationships. ‘It helps create a secure attachment style that models future relationships,’ she told Parade. For kids, hearing ‘I love you’ plays a pivotal role in emotional growth and development. ‘It boosts their self-confidence and resilience,’ she added. But what if children don’t hear those words from their parents?

Growing up in a family that didn’t openly show emotions could lead individuals to develop specific patterns in adulthood. Psychologists reveal that missing out on hearing ‘I love you’ as a child can result in traits reflecting emotional disconnect later in life. Dr. Quimby noted, ‘If you weren’t told “I love you” as a child, you might not be comfortable expressing feelings this way.’

Trust Issues

1. Low Self-Esteem: Not hearing ‘I love you’ can foster trust issues persisting into adulthood. Dr. MacBride explains that kids may feel unloved and question, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ This often undermines confidence in pursuing personal goals.
2. Difficulty Trusting Others and Expressing Emotions: Without hearing affirmations of love, it becomes hard to share feelings. ‘Those not told they were loved might struggle to trust others,’ Dr. MacBride noted. They could view emotional expression as insincere.
3. A Need for External Validation: The absence of parental ‘I love you’s’ often leads to seeking external validation. Dr. Brandy Smith from Thriveworks described this as a constant need for reassurance, questioning self-worth, and seeking affirmation from others, stemming from never feeling truly valued.

Fear of Being Alone

1. Fear of Rejection: Not knowing how parents felt creates a lasting fear of rejection. Dr. McGeehan said, ‘If we aren’t convinced we’re loved, we fear others don’t love us either.’ This fear hinders people from putting themselves out there.
2. Tendency Toward Anxiety: Uncertainty about love can lead to fears of loneliness that develop into anxiety or depression. Dr. Smith explained how low moods and anxiety stem from feeling unappreciated by loved ones.

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